I would make a terrible movie critic because I enjoy most movies. I’m very forgiving in my ratings. If it’s a movie my wife hated, I’ll give it 3 stars because it is the movie it promised. Maybe it wasn’t good, but it was exactly what I had expected so I give it credit for that. There’s always more credit awarded for offering something beyond expectation.
Since the pandemic started, I have time off work so it’s time to light a fire, break out the whiskey and settle into a movie marathon. Over the past two days we’ve watched a pile of movies. I enjoy movies. My motto for 2020 has been “I miss going to the movies.” There is nothing better than getting a treat and escaping the world into the land someone else has created for me.
Synopsis: After the Evil Queen marries the King, she performs a violent coup in which the King is murdered and his daughter, Snow White, is taken captive. Almost a decade later, a grown Snow White is still in the clutches of the Queen. In order to obtain immortality, The Evil Queen needs the heart of Snow White. After Snow escapes the castle, the Queen sends the Huntsman to find her in the Dark Forest.
This was a beautiful movie. The cinematography was breath-taking and the sets were gorgeous. The acting and story left much to be desired. Before we started it, I looked it up on Letterboxd to see what the overall rating was. It was a 2.5 and this bit of information paid off.
white horse shows up at the perfect time “Oh. Right. 2.5”
girl screams at troll and stops it from attacking another charaters “2.5”
“I guess the 2.5 is for the cinematography. It is a beautiful movie.”
Synopsis: A mid-level corporate employee finds out he’s not getting the Christmas bonus he was expecting, but his boss invites him to earn a promotion by beating his professional rival in a violent competition.
This movie was a Blumhouse film. Their general movie theory is “make a lot of films. They won’t all be hits, but enough of them will do well to pay for the others.” And this one is a lot of fun. It’s been awhile since I saw a good use of title cards between scenes. I enjoyed them and this film.
Synopsis: A zombie apocalypse threatens the sleepy town of Little Haven – at Christmas – forcing Anna and her friends to fight, slash and sing their way to survival, facing the undead in a desperate race to reach their loved ones. But they soon discover that no one is safe in this new world, and with civilization falling apart around them, the only people they can truly rely on are each other.
Move over Elf! Out of the way Kevin! There’s a new queen of Christmas movies. Ella Hunt sings and smashes her way through this film. This movie had:
I absolutely loved it and would rewatch it every year. The film feels authentic. Each one of the characters were an archetype I could place from my high school. They’re making decisions I would make. They’re not heroes. They’re impulsive and live the day one moment at a time.
The songs are fun and catchy. This one has been stuck in my head.
<) )╯ WHEN IT COMES TO KILLING ZOMBIES
( (> I'M THE TOP OF MY CLASS
(•_•). WHILE YOU’VE BEEN HIDING
<) )> I’VE BEEN KICKIN SOME ASS
Synopsis: A young woman’s plans to propose to her girlfriend while at her family’s annual holiday party are upended when she discovers her partner hasn’t yet come out to her conservative parents.
Kristen Stewart and Mackenzie David (took my while to place her from Halt and Catch Fire) are the focus while Aubrey Plaza and Alison Brie are relegated to minor characters. It was a romantic comedy with an excellent cast. Dan Levy is the friend we all hope we have when we need them most. Maybe without the tracking.
“Any luck on getting a man’s permission to take ownership of an adult female woman?” – John (Dan Levy)
Synopsis: A sorority house is terrorized by a stranger who makes frightening phone calls and then murders the sorority sisters during Christmas break.
The algorithm kept pushing the 2019 remake of this film that wasn’t well-reviewed. However, the 1974 film has excellent reviews and was the first(?) slasher movie.
The plot partially centers around a series of obscene phone calls and boy are they. It also gives us the spectacular line:
No, it’s the Mormon Tabernacle Choir calling with their annual obscene phone call.
This fits the category of “horror movies that could have ended very quickly with competence.” Every character is unique. There’s no interchageable pieces. This entire film is a mood. It perfectly embodies the loneliness of being alone at Christmas (a theme that runs through every holiday film we watched.) I’m curious to watch the remake now to see how they handle certain parts and how sensibilities have changed between 1974 and 2019. Those are some obscene phone calls.
Synopsis: Drew Latham is an executive leading an empty, shallow life with only wealth on his side. Facing another lonely Christmas ahead, he revisit his old childhood home in the hope of reliving some old holiday memories – but he finds that the house in which he was raised is no longer the home in which he grew up.
Ever been so lonely on Christmas you paid the family who lives in your childhood home a quarter of a million dollars to spend a few days with them?
What about if that family was James Gandolfini and Catherine O’Hara? They amost make the film watchable. Almost.
Ben Affleck is so unhinged and manic throughout. I saw this review and thought about it. A lot.
It was never quite clear if Affleck’s character was meant to be mentally challenged. –
It’s hard to know where being an absolute dick ends and mental issues may begin.
Synopsis: In a woods filled with magic and fairy tale characters, a baker and his wife set out to end the curse put on them by their neighbor, a spiteful witch.
This movie may have had potential. But it just kept going…
This is a pretty good 90 minute movie. Unfortunately it was 125 minutes.
When Rapunzel and her prince leave, you should too. The first hour or so is solid and enjoyable. But then it just keeps going to the point we groaned at every new song. And when we thought it must be nearly over, there were 45 minutes left!